Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat, the Cat of the Railway Train
There's a whisper down the line at eleven thirty-nine
When the Night Mail's ready to depart
Saying, "Skimble, where is Skimble?
Has he gone to hunt the thimble?
We must find him or the train can't start"
All the guards and all the porters
And the station master's daughters
Would be searching high and low
Saying "Skimble where is Skimble for unless he's very nimble
Then the night mail just can't go."
At eleven forty-two with the signal overdue
And the passengers all frantic to a man
That's when I would appear and I'd saunter to the rear
I'd been busy in the luggage van!
Then he gave one flash of his glass-green eyes
And the signal went "All Clear!"
They'd be off at last to the northern part of the Northern Hemisphere!

Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat
The Cat of the Railway Train
You might say that by and large it was me who was in charge
Of the Sleeping Car Express
From the driver and the guards to the bagmen playing cards
I would supervise them all more or less

Down the corridor he paces and examines all the faces
Of the travellers in the first and the third
He established control by a regular patrol
And he'd know at once if anything occurred
He would watch you without winking and he saw what you were thinking
And it's certain that he didn't approve
Of hilarity and riot so that folk were very quiet
When Skimble was about and on the move

You could play no pranks with Skimbleshanks!
He's a cat that couldn't be ignored
So nothing went wrong on the Northern Mail
When Skimbleshanks was aboard

It was very pleasant when they'd found their little den
With their name written up on the door
And the berth was very neat with a newly folded sheet
And not a speck of dust upon the floor
There was every sort of light
You could make it dark or bright
And a button you could turn to make a breeze
And a funny little basin you're supposed to wash your face in
And a crank to shut the window should you sneeze

Then the guard looked in politely and would ask you very brightly,
"Do you like your morning tea weak or strong?"
But I was just behind him and was ready to remind him
For Skimble won't let anything go wrong

When they crept into their cosy berth and pulled up the counterpane
They all could reflect that it was very nice
To know that they wouldn't be bothered by mice
They can leave all that to the Railway Cat
The Cat of the Railway Train

Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat
The Cat of the Railway Train
In the watches of the night I was always fresh and bright
Every now and then I'd have a cup of tea
With perhaps a drop of scotch while I was keeping on the watch
Only stopping here and there to catch a flea
They were fast asleep at Crewe and so they never knew
That I was walking up and down the station
They were sleeping all the while I was busy at Carlisle
Where I met the station master with elation
They might see me at Dumfries if I summoned the police
If there was anything they ought to know about

When they got to Gallowgate there they did not have to wait
For Skimbleshanks would help them to get out!
And he gives a wave of his long brown tail
Which says "I'll see you again!
You'll meet without fail on the Midnight Mail
The Cat of the Railway Train!"

Macavity! Macavity's a mystery cat
He's called the Hidden Paw
For he's a master criminal who can defy the law
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard
The Flying Squad's despair
For when they reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
He's broken every human law
He breaks the law of gravity
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare
And when you reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there!
You may seek him in the basement
You may look up in the air
But I tell you once and once again
Macavity's not there!

Macavity's a ginger cat
He's very tall and thin
You would know him if you saw him for his eyes are sunken in
His brow is deeply lined in thought
His head is highly domed
His coat is dusty from neglect
His whiskers are uncombed
He sways his head from side to side
With movements like a snake
And when you think he's half asleep
He's always wide awake!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
For he's a fiend in feline shape
A monster of depravity
You may meet him in a by-street
You may see him in the square
But when a crime's discovered then Macavity's not there!

He's outwardly respectable
I know he cheats at cards
And his footprints are not found in any files of Scotland Yard's
And when the larder's looted
Or the jewel cases rifled
Or when the milk is missing
Or another Peke's been stifled
Or the greenhouse glass is broken and the trellis past repair
There's the wonder of the thing:
Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
There never was a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity
He always has an alibi and one or two to spare
Whatever time the deed took place, Macavity wasn't there!

And they say that all the cats whose wicked deeds are widely known
(I might mention Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer, Griddlebone)
Are nothing more than agents for the cat who all the time
Just controls the operations
The Napoleon of Crime!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
He's a fiend in feline shape
A monster of depravity
You may meet him in a by-street
You may see him in the square
But when a crime's discovered then Macavity's not there!

We have to find Old Deuteronomy

You ought to ask Mr. Mistoffelees
The original Conjuring Cat
The greatest magicians have something to learn
From Mr. Mistoffelees's conjuring turn

Presto!

And you'll all say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

He is quiet and small
He is black
From the ears to the tip of his tail
He can creep through the tiniest crack
He can walk on the narrowest rail
He can pick any card from a pack
He is equally cunning with dice
He is always decieving you into believing
That he's only hunting for mice

He can play any trick with a cork
Or a spoon and a bit of fish paste
If you look for a knife or a fork
And you think it was merely misplaced
You have seen it one moment, and then it is gone!
But you find it next week lying out on the lawn!

And we all say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

His manner is vague and aloof
You would think there was nobody shyer
But his voice has been heard on the roof
When he was curled up by the fire
And he's sometimes been heard by the fire
When he was about on the roof
(At least we all heard that somebody purred)
Which is uncontestable proof
Of his singular magical powers
And I've known the family to call
Him in from the garden for hours
When he was asleep in the hall

And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

And we all say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Ladies and gentlemen
I give you the marvelous
Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Presto!